BUNN TO BUY JUNIPER SHARE

 

By Herzgovinia Malfaisance

 

NEW YORK (Reuters) - Bunn (NasdaqNM: no ticker) announced his intention of acquiring

a one share holding in Juniper Networks (NasdaqNM:JNPR) amidst early declines on the

New York markets today.

 

The acquisition would put a street value of $10^-5M on Bunn's portfolio, which already

includes an astonishing selection of indifferent positions. Speaking from his humble

two-bedroom Spanish-style villa in South East Pasadena, Bunn emphasised his commitment

to market destabilisation. ``This acquisition has burnt a hole in my pocket,'' he said,

referring to the 189 13/64 opening price.

 

Following the announcement, trading in rival companies such as Cisco (NasdaqNM:CSCO)

became frenzied. Cisco ended the day up 13 25/64 at 13 27/64. Bonds rallied on the

news, as fears of rising interest rates and the expectation that Bunn might not invest

in bonds, strengthened the 30 year Treasury issues in particular. The DOW reacted

cautiously, firming 3 points up on the news at 3096 123/256, but then shooting to

an all time high of 5010 1/2 in a late afternoon maelstrom of stock gains across the

board.

 

The Nasdaq, flummoxed by the news, became belligerent at around 1pm, and several traders

had to be sedated on the exchange floor. Shares in Juniper slumped to an all time low

before picking up several cents, collecting their belongings, and leaving the building.

 

Observers were aghast at the widespread losses in the market, and outraged at Cisco's

gains. ``It's a scandal'', said Thomas Furbling De Witt, of Smith, Cline, Barney, Poopsie

and Fotherington-Thomas, ``Bunn should be ashamed of himself''. A spokesman for Cisco

wet himself. The Standard and Poor index finished the day down at heel, whereas the

Standard and Rich ended sloshed in a Wall Street bar.

 

Overseas, London's FTSE 100 briefly fell below psychological support of the acquisition,

clung to 6000, before retracing its steps back up Wigmore Street to the Old Bailey,

where it turned itself in.

 

In Tokyo, the Nikkei average tumbled 2, prompting speculators to wonder how many Yen

make 5.

 

Bean counters in Nigeria disupted the merits of Juniper, quoting much better

results with squashed root of the OmbiGongo plant.

 

The Paris bourse was untouched by the drama, due to the French Government's recent

acquisition of the entire garlic output of Provence, and its deposit along the length

of the Champs Elysees, which caused widespread boursier icky tummy.

 

The Pope is 1 billion.

 

 

 

Julian Bunn, 2000